laynestaley26

I'm going to try to end the drought here. For what reason I don't know, it's not like anyone reads this anyway apart from my future self. Perhaps that's reason enough then.

Had some depressing moments this weekend. Moments where I can't imagine there being anything around the corner and where attitudes such as 'you never know who may walk into your life' sicken me so.

I don't really want a new person to walk into my life. Would love to have what I had. Is that cryptic enough? :p

She really does help me that snowquene. She puts things in perspective for me and gives me some badly needed grounding. For that I'm grateful.

Sometimes I find it difficult to fathom that I am worth anyone's time. Like my only existence is worthy in a professional work setting outside of which no one would give a damn about me or want to include me in their life. Delusional, self depracating, baseless - i've heard it being described as this and I know there is some truth to it but why doesn't the thought leave me? Coming to terms with that..

ok. bed time now. goodnight future self...

Thank god monday is over is all i can say! :)

My legs ache and i'm watching the beads of water fall down over my eyes after a much needed shower. I like the feeling of half-wet hair nowdays. I guess it reminds me of life back home, swimming at the beach and drying off in the sun.

Been finding it a real effort to be social in recent days. Maybe i'm going back into the cave for a while. Wouldn't mind that for a bit to be honest. Its just me being my typical introverted self - something that i was once told isn't actually a bad thing. Some people feed off internal energy (introverts) while others fuel up from the outside (extros). I think i'm a crazy bug torn between the two.

But i aint sad, no way. Feelin good, here in my cave, listenin to qotsa. Maybe if i keep it up i'll turn into captain caveman..




that wouldn't be so bad..crazy mofo :p

the weekends go by so quickly now that i'm working. Gawd, i remember lazing about in KL without a worry in the world living vampire hours and existing only to breathe and sip tea in the sun.

Now I'm hours away from a cramped train ride to my stress job. yikes! i better get some holiday time again soon before negative self moves in permanently. haha, looking at this blog you would think he already well and truly set up shop.

And now for my secret message which i wrongly assumed was being read before - not a day goes by in which i fail to remember her or imagine life around her. fingers are constantly crossed in anticipation for something. god, just give the girl some peace, lord knows she deserves it...

goodnight older self,,

*yawn*

don't think i'll be the same again.
distance makes the heart grow fonder but it also hurts like hell.
every day love, every day...

over it....*sigh*

you know when u just want/need someone by your side......dreaming...

I feel a bit silly about the post last night. oh well, if i cant express my moments of weirdness on here where can i? some of it rings true. still waiting...

btw, RIP Ron Asheton...

i'm a bit concerned that when i look back on this journal in later days I will think all my times over here in england were filled with anxious and uncomfortable thoughts. That isn't true. I have had some good times, interesting times, eye opening times. But there is no denying i've always had this uneasy feeling in the back of my mind.

I read an article the other day that said some people are addicted to the L-word :P i'm a guy remember, typing it is just as hard as saying it ;) thats a really bad joke by the way...
Anyway, it said that some people are always chasing that high of being with someone they feel a special connection with. I think that is true for me to some extent. It gets in your head and wont stop bugging you no matter where you are or what you are doing. Trying to concentrate at work is getting tougher and tougher. Running "what if" scenarios through my mind has become second nature.

I just had an interesting thought - how about i list out my top 10 head fucks right now! this will be fun...

1. Is it crazy of me (or possible escapism) to think about chasing her?
2. Would she think i'm mad to even think about number 1?
3. If she comes here, when?
4. Is it unfair to push the issue with 3? just let things be?
5. Am i simply fucked in the head? always been very probable..
6. Wish i could talk to someone about all this rubbish.
7. How much longer do i have to lead a normal life without her?
8. God, i cant believe i'm admitting to this obsessive behaviour.
9. You really are losing the plot...
10. Medication isn't the answer,
11. how quickly could i get on a plane to her? (1 extra for good luck)

Ok, so now I can see for eternity how insane i've become *claps*

So i started a new job yesterday. It is so boring. I feel like i've sold out and travelling is just my excuse. Money can be great but the beatles are better...cant buy me L...hehe

ok, im gonna sleep now and hopefully wake with half a spring in my step. god knows i need it!

miss u girl...with the head voices...
j

oh my god,

where do i start? I just walked home in the rain 5km, drunk & despondent. You know in the movies when someone is walking in the blistering cold and a car drives past and splashes water all over them...that happened to me...my feet are still stinging from the cold.

ok, so now that the formalities are over with. Something happens to me during the night times. Kind of like a warewolf(?) but less hairy :p. I kind of lose my mind, thinking crazy desperate thoughts and wishing certain things. If only I could maintain my sanity 24/7 I would feel a slight resemblance to "normal".

I guess I'm just heart broken. Miss a certain someone.

Was about to delete that and then got a "what the fuck" kind of moment.

I remember walking down the beach on stradbroke island as a 14 year old listening to wild horses by the rolling stones and wondering what it would be like. Maybe I know now, maybe i just think i do?

aint a stream of conscienceness great?

today is another day (thank god). until we meet again....

I'm starting to wonder if its normal to wake up every night in a sudden freak out thinking someone is attacking me? Last night I could swear there was a guy in my room coming to strangle me. It takes me about 10 minutes to settle down and return to normality. I don't think I'm losing my mind, but something is surely going on...

I started listening to Diorama again yesterday. It's an amazing album. Funny that it took me a few years to actually listen to it as I thought silverchair were a bunch of sell outs. Anyway, it really hits the spot. Oh, and I'm mad keen about the orchestration.

Ok, gotta go and pay some debts. cheerio.

There is one truth in life...people can be real dicks when they wanna be.
or was it gravity? :)

Had a bad day, again. God i need to get outta the trough and back on the peak. but i guess thats followed by another trough aint it?

Don't get me wrong, i'm a happy go lucky dude ;)

later

So nick says i look like i have dreads when i wear my beanie. that's funny, just the look i was going for ;)

I haven't posted for a few days. I guess the day to day life here has got a bit hectic. Time for reflection and self analysis has been unintentionally kept to a minimum. Not to worry, lots more craziness to reveal.

The days are getting colder that's for sure. I was wandering around hyde park the other day watching the people in all their holiday happiness. It was really nice to see although i couldn't get this one lyric out of my head - "you don't know who in the hell to or not to believe". Deep shit i know. but i dont know in what way. I guess its all about thinking people are a certain way, building up an image of them in your mind and then realising it isn't quite that way. It is silly really, how could anyone ever live up to your imaginary perceptions? Not that i find it disturbing, just laugh at myself for thinking people who are (were) close to me only exist in the structure i build in my mind. hmmmm maybe i can explain it better later...

So i've been here for more than a week. The place is strange. I saw a black woman go off at a couple of elderly tourists today on the train. Really sad, they didn't do anything to offend her. The woman simply asked her if she minded shifting over to the spare seat next to her so her husband could sit down beside her. The crazy woman went off on a rant that lasted about 10 minutes accusing them of being racist and fat pigs. I got really angry but then just let it go. Who needs the negativity? not me. poor bitch will get what's coming to her.

Oh well another day gone. I keep thinking of past times and her. It will pass...

So i'm trying to figure out how to get friends on this thing?  why is it all so complicated? :) maybe just for me hey.  or maybe you are already meant to have friends for real.  why then would anyone bother blogging anonymously??? hehe

another day in cold london town.  today was my museum day.  i have to admit it was pretty cool seeing mummies and ancient greek statues.  it really made me feel insignificant looking at those ancient artifacts.  who knows, maybe the mummies had feelings of insignificance when they were alive.  i doubt it, most were ego tripping like you wouldn't believe. 

tomorrow i start looking for work which means i must be resigned to staying here now :(  oh well, such is the experience of life.  you win some, you lose some.  i guess i lost it before i even had it.  and by it i mean the girl :P

i think i'm gonna try being more positive.  there is so much to see and do in this world and i dont want to waste my short life worrying about what could have been.  hell, i cant win all the time.  and maybe there is a lesson learned in there somewhere - be yourself and keep moving.  unless you wanna stay that is :)  god, give me a break already...

gonna go to sleep now and dream of another day.  Maybe a bit of gomez will help me along...

ok so here it begins...

How can i be a blogger with no friends on my list? i hope that will change and in time strangers will get to know my most intimate thoughts.  That's how it works right? :)

Where do i begin? at the start i guess (just realised how cheesy that is...sorry).

I moved to london 2 days ago.  I'm an aussie male who had dreams of walking around big foreign cities without a care in the world.  Slipping into the crowd, sipping on a coffee and taking in the spectacle that is life.  Now who wouldn't want to do that? seriously!
However now my dream is reality.  I'm sitting in a friend's ex flat after a day spent walking around in a daze like every other tourist - "oh wow look at that! oh gosh, aint it big!".  Now i'm tired, lonely and with a mind as mixed up and feverish as any could imagine. 

So many things have happened to get me to this point.  I spent a year in a job i hated just wishing it would come true.  Sometimes your fantasies should stay just that.  But who am i kidding, its exciting.  The only thing holding me back is a thought, a person, a possible infactuation?  but i'll get around to that later..

just wondering if this is too much for a first time blog? i might run out of ideas for my next! 

so where was i? oh yes, when fantasies become reality.  well we all know that happens and more often than not it never lives up to the expectation.  Did i have to fly half way around the world to realise this? no, but it beats sitting at a desk back home tearing my hair out. 

So i know that what i'm feeling is just a blip on the radar of my life.  It will pass and so will the memories i try to forget (i hope). 

If it sounds like i'm rambling its because i am.  You know the feeling of indecision?  that's what i feel every day except i am forced to make decisions and then i stew for hours, days, weeks, months afterwards wondering if i made the right choice.  Could it have been different?  Will the passage of time make things even more unbearable?  These thoughts creep into my brain constantly but more so when i've left someone in my life.  Although it haunts me i always seem to leave those that are (getting) close to me.  Is it me or is it circumstance? fuck circumstance, i control it all!

So i knew her for only a little more than a week.  does that make it unreal? some would say so.  But i cant get her out of my head.  I guess it all came to ahead my first night here.  I woke up at 2am in cold sweats convinced she was laying next to me.  I tried to gently move her arm and then looked for her ear for a kiss.  Sadly reality turned up and she was gone.  Its understandable, she was laying next to me only a day before that.  But now i'm afraid i'll forget her.  The way she moves suddenly in the middle of night, makes a groan and then crashes against me.  The thought that i won't have that again feels like its going to kill me.

Maybe all my anxiety is for nothing.  Maybe i was just another guy to her.  I don't know.  I might never know.  Wouldn't that make the thought of suddenly flying out of here and back to her laughable! yet i keep thinking about it...

How could she like kula shaker? seriously, i don't know anyone who likes (has heard) of that band.  And why did i walk into her restaurant out of all the places in town? and why can't i let go?  FUCK! where's the off switch when you need it?

i can't remember when life with my mind became a battle rather than a friendly partnership.  All i know is that life will never be the same again.  Once a fantasy, now a reality.  It is true that life kicks you in the arse when you least expect it.  I think that's my theory anyway.  stay tuned and see how i come out the other side. whoever you are...